a gradual decent into a life i never meant|
[Most Recent Entries]
Below are the 17 most recent journal entries recorded in
|Saturday, March 8th, 2008|
im not sure about this situation. im comparing everything i'm feeling to how i felt about jenny, and i don't think it compares. but nothing would, or maybe nothing will. thats a scary thought. i don't want anything new with anyone else, i'd rather be lonely than happy with somebody else.
|Monday, May 2nd, 2005|
1. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me."
2. I will respond by asking you five questions. I get to pick the questions.
3. You will update your LJ with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions
1. what is your bra size?
34 C or big B
2. how do you believe the universe began?
im not yet convinced of its existance, so i don't know how to answer this, but i believe in some version of the genisis, and i also believe the validity of the big bang.
3. what is the most obscure song, movie, etc., that you like? (try to come up with something i have never heard of)
MOST obscure? damn. thats hard. how do you judge obscurity objectively?
Song: ten benson "the man in the fire"./ film dialogue "dear sir"
Movie: Female perversions, but if you've heard of that, then naked lunch, and if all else fails then Whole
Book: Et Tu, Babe. its so fucking odd.
4. did you ever take lessons in anything as a child? were you ever on a sports team?
i took ballet, gymnastics, piano, saxaphone, cartooning, general art, ceramics, spanish, uhh... i think thats it.
yes i was on lots of sports teams: soccer, swimming, waterpolo, baseball/softball, basketball, ski team for about a week, i did wrestling for a month, volleyball.
5. describe your favorite pair of shoes.
my friend made them for me. they were origionally just simple blue high heels, sort of tacky, but she took fabric paint and painted red clouds with orange variations of shading and the inverse on the other shoe. awesome.
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Current Mood: bleh
|Thursday, April 28th, 2005|
|new era: semi-recent pixxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
ive gotten into drawing comics more recently, its laborious but its fun. if you articulate all that pain, maybe you'll get paid.
ive also come to terms with my new erotic obsession: BLACK JEANS. if they fit right, like courtneys did today, i will cream myself. shes strait (but i pray that she isn't) so i had to detatch myself from her because i got a girl boner every time i saw her. oh my. black jeans.
FUCK. i jsut remembered i have to memorize like 30 lines of macbeth tonight before my 7 30 lecture omg omg calm well alright glad thats out of my system so i can procrastinate further.
omg pics because you know. i have a face. and im not just saying that. HA.
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Current Mood: vain
|Wednesday, April 27th, 2005|
|as i solicit sex with gramatical errors
i decided i need to meet a hot girl who is comfortable enough in her sexuality not to be all indecisive and lame and just be fuck buddies. i don't want any relationships, i just want a hot, no strings attatched fuck buddy. but all the out girls at my school are very unattractive and/or not my type. and the bi girls aren't really bi they're just eager for attention so they make out with other abercrombie chicks to get guys off. it sucks being in a sexual minority. i still find guys attractive (selectively) but ive recently cut off my hair and embraced masculinity (don't get me wrong im not a biker chick kind of dyke or anything, id still considermyself a femme, for instance, im wearing abercrombie jeans, a world peace belt, and a mr roboto t shirt, the only gay looking things about me right now are my sweatshirt, my hair is a little gay, and my SELF.) so the point of this massive sentence was that ive created an image of "friend" with guys. i guess thats really all i want but i liked the possibility of guy hookups that used to exist. i wish i could do what strait girls and boys have the luxury of doing: going to parties and "accidentally" hooking up with 3 different people and claiming "drunk alabi rights", term that ive just now coined. yes. so basically, if anyone, hot (hot by my definition meaning, you know, not butch, and not gangsta) available, and who lives in or around san fransisco reads this, lets sex. Current Mood: procrastinating
|Saturday, April 23rd, 2005|
|Thursday, April 21st, 2005|
i don't know how to deal with people. i love them but i have nothing to say to them and yet i want to interact with them. i wish i was funnier and wittier and less stuck up and volatile and had better goddamn spelling. i want a goddamn hamburger.
|Wednesday, April 20th, 2005|
so its 4/20 as i have so constantly been reminded by my adolecent junkie friends. and im not high. as i have reminded myself.
i have yet to develop an opinion on drugs. namely on my doing them. i know i do and i know im going to but is it the best thing for me? especially with the potential, the health, and the functioning mind ive been granted? would it be presumptuous to kill of each blessed brain cell?
or should i, as cami decrue, if thats a word, take the gratitude and overwhelming awearness of beauty acquired while stoned into my sober reality.
but that is suggesting the state of being stoned isn't reality.
daily, i take lexapro, not without a plague, a dark stain on my conciousness, mind you, and today i was prescribed ritalin.
am i a junkie? an escapist? yes. but without drugs, pharmasuetical or otherwise, i would have far more negative labels: underacheiver, pessamist, bla bla.
i just reread all ive writen, i totally felt like i had written pages and pages of descriptions of emotions, but i guess i only write down a fraction of what is being thought. its so frustrating to transcribe what im thinking into a language people on this plain (or is it plane?) of reality will understand. Who thinks with proper spelling and sentence structure? i think in abstract images, waves if you will. and when i try to convey my thoughts, either coloquialisms, cliches, puns, or foreign languages come out of my mouth. none of these fucking portray anything im attempting to. as a result, nobody ever has any idea what im talking about they just think im some existencialist abstract artsy lesbo, or maybe im flattering myself.
ive developed a habit of, when in the company of strangers, adopting a british accent. especially when im skiing. escapism? anthromorphism? puuuuuuding?
my god. youve got it!
excited for tomorrow and tomorrows tomorrow.
i wonder if i meant that. more im excited for the possibilities that tomorrow brings. those possibilities are liad to waste of course because i am incapable of putting myself on the line (who says taht anymore) and harnessing what could be and making it what is.
i ffeell like a whiny self help guru out of work. this is what happens when you don't get high on 4/20. its the curse of the overactive mind. or the overprescribed teenage anxt-ridden girl.
well i love you and you know it. Current Mood: disheartened
|Tuesday, March 22nd, 2005|
more and more dreams about courtney.
one behind the storage bin.
one on her couch.
one on the stage.
all involving me going down on her but never the opposite. i don't care if i come, i love to see a girl come on my account. its way hotter than anything else. i can just imagine courtney and i sitting in some average way, maybe in her car, maybe in my bed, looking at yearbooks, then some accidental contact is made, then ...somehow leads to sex, her convolsing with pleasure and coming so hard. and praising me as a sex god. and then just to kiss her would be devine.
i know she would love it. Current Mood: horny
|Thursday, March 10th, 2005|
omg am i gay or not
is it courtney or katie
damn damn damn
i just want to see a picture of them both. that was stupid, i guess the real thing would be better. damn katie dating jake. and thier PDAs. and how badly i want her its absurd. never felt it before, i go to thier games so i can stare at kt for an hour without feeling creepy.
|Sunday, February 27th, 2005|
|Thursday, February 17th, 2005|
i used to think i was bi, used to being like 3 minets ago. but at the basketball game tonight, i couldn't even look at the guys. i could only stare at kt, to whom ive never spoken. i don't think i should talk to her because what if she seems less gay in person? i would be so upset. AND NOW, TO MAKE MATTERS WORSE, SHES DATING MY EX-BOYFRIEND IM STILL MADLY IN LOVE WITH. i don't know which one i want more. probably kt. she does this cute thing when she plays bball where before she shoots a freethrow she touches her heart in, i guess, rememberance of her dead brother and for luck. she has a tatoo on her ankle for her brother too. and when she walks of the court she is always licking her lips and i can't help but think dirty thoughts when she does. thats another reason i shouldn't talk to her. i would probably jump her bones (do people still say that or am i middle-aged at 15?)
BUT(heres one for the strait column)i talked to tom conte (SO FUCKING FINE) and he was giving me the eye (thats a dated phrase too. damn) and i was loving it. i love getting attention from men. but he asked for my number so naturally i gave it to him and uttered a phrase so cliche and horrendous (yet delightful), "call me" and walked away.
i don't know why i attempt to be even semi-strait, im the biggest lez youll ever encounter (except i like chick flicks and musicals) Current Mood: i want kt batlin so...
|Sunday, February 6th, 2005|
just fell upon me. a weight of depression. andno reason for. it. stream of conciousness. my conciecness doesnt stream. it anylizes. i just want to eat right now. but i hate food. i want to chop off all my hair but i just cut it. and i would look ugly with short hair.
god why od i care about anything. Current Mood: again
|Wednesday, February 2nd, 2005|
|happy sad no just tired
so now im almost sure coco is at least bi, and we are hanging out this weekend. i was just thinking how raunch it would feel to be known as the gay girl. im also noticing that i tend not to be feminine. which sucks. i mean, i want to be true to myself and who i am in entirety, but i DON"T EVER want to be butch. ever. i want to be a lez babe magnet. d00d. i want to 'ooz sexuality' like kate.
omg i acctually wrote a letter to kate moennig. i've never written a crazed lez fan letter (or any fan letter for that) but i owed it to myself as its her fucking fault im gay. joking but its almost true. then i was listening to this song by dynamite hack called "dear kate" and its so weird. it was almost exactly what i wrote in the letter. it goes:
even though we've never met,
i can tell by the outfit that you're not like all the other ones
they know it i know it they know it and i know it too
ever since the day you first looked out at me from the magazine
the more of your face we see we get the mystery oh girl you said it so... etc.
i find myself living more and more through tv, particularly the L word. probably because my life is put on pause every day at like 4 b/c i have to just come home after school. and i waste that time on lj. also because these women live enviable lives, all gay friends, all hot, and living in a seemingly gay community whereas i have to live here as a minority and create a separate lj so i can talk about all things gay. OMG.
today was good in a weird way. i was sitting in bio and my teacher talked some about churches of the earlier empires (duh church=bio? go figure) and a part of me that has been so long dorment was awakened. i acctaully envisioned the priests and imagined believing what they believed and was moved(?) but waht was awakened was my love for history and interest in learning. WAY SWEET. to bad it subsided and i ended up cutting the next class b/c i wanted to sit in the sun alone. so i guess i can be antisocial and love history at the same time.
why is it so profound that i like history again?
oh yea. it isn't.
i grew up being told that i was beautiful and exceptional and wonderful and all the variotions of -ful. so i've held myself to this -ful standards my whole life until now. i realized (with the help of lj rating communities) that im not beautiful. at first that made me sad, but then it sort of took pressure off. then i realized taht im not as fucking brilliant as i would have liked to think. ii also realized that im extremely immature when i thought i was hot shit because i didn't party like an idiot. but then i partied like an idiot and ended up in the hospital. sweet.
back to gayness. i really don't want to make a move on courtney because i don't want to be labeled as the girl who tries to get with her friends. aka rapist. bad news bears.
OMG SO MUCH TEXTZIES Current Mood: zombiie
|Monday, January 31st, 2005|
|Sunday, January 30th, 2005|
|i got those old cosmic blues again, mama
it sucks to have to desipher somebodys sexuality before resigning to feeling. it sucks to have to withhold feeling.
so ive done all of "the L word"s tests on her, she has short nails (but plays some fucking hardcore bball), wears converse, but sometimes mary janes (bad sign), and makes lots of eye contact with me, she flirts with me constantly and at her new years party, when everyone went to sleep downstairs, she asked me to sleep with her upstairs (ALONE)nothing happened as we were drunk and fell asleep immediately.
BUT she has dated the god of the grade above us clark, and the god of our grade spencer. so she has an effect on everyone. shes sending these guys the same signs. BUT again, she said shes never EVER had an orgasm. how do you not have an orgasm with clark and spencer. im gay but i could still manage an orgasm they are so perfect.
she is one of my very good friends so if i were to, ehh...how you say, make a move on her, and she is strait, then im fucked because i love her friendship. BUT SHES SO GHSHGFSD HOT.
then theres katie. shes drop dead gorgeous and im sure taht shes gay, but im not sure she knows. should i tell her? ha. god im so funny.
but shes very masculine (in actions not looks, i hate butch looks, i mean if i wanted physical masculinity id date a guy, am i right or am i right) god i feel so annoying tonight.
and i don't want to do anything.
but what am i supposed to do with myself.
wasted pix for sure. ha,.
there is no way to convey internet laughted without pissing me off. lol=instant suiced, hehe is like a kindergartener, haha is false. OMG WHO CARES. Current Mood: fake
|Thursday, January 27th, 2005|
i was walking, and it was the point in the evening when the sky is purple. i felt lonely for a second so i called ellery in NY left a message, called ross and accidentally was a bitch (ross is my ex: don't know who im talking to, i wanna get with is sister REAL BAD) , then called lauren and was akward. that fucking summs up my life. a best friend who is only a best friend in title ( don't get me wrong i love her ), an ex that sucks and wants me to do drugs, and myself generally being awkward.
this is stupid. im trying to make this into some sweeping statement when it was really just 3 calls
ok so my point was that i was at peace after i stopped trying to connect with people. i just was. i had the most beatiful death wish. taht sounds really creepy. but i was just content, its not that i wanted to die, its just that i wouldn't have minded because i was happy.
i walked by a plant and it looked like a being, so i challenged it to eat me. then i pictured myself writing about it on my lj. what a dork. so then i kept walking and the trees got taller and taller and it got darker and darker outside. the feeling of "life is great take me away" turned to fright and just when i told myself, "i, in fact, WOULD mind if i died right now", i heard this scream. so i stopped and called ryan to pick me up. i mean what if there was a psycho around the corner beating some kid? (this is how my mind works) so while i was waiting, i heard it again but longer and louder. then ryan came. that carride could have saved my life, or maybe it was just a cat around the corner. who knows.